most couples, the question arises.. A child is nice in itself. He is
a complex desire. A child in itself is a marvel, a person in its own
that escapes our will but fulfill our desire. He is a gift and a
challenge. He gives conscience of something beyond merger. He is a fruit and a gift which
goes beyond the duo and opens to the unknown of the
For a woman, the
desire of giving birth is inside her nature. Freud even said that a
woman has in her sexual identity the will to give birth to a male
child. This inward tension is unconscious but real and will reveals
itself with vigour when this desire will not be
Paternity for a
man, like a woman is inherent to its nature, an interrogation on its
posterity (co-creating to leave a trace, something beyond death). A
child desire is however biologically different from woman and man,
the last being more oriented toward posterity.
Paternity and marriage
often note that couples wishes to marry when the desire of a child
becomes deep. Based on the initial say, woman is in this context the
best engine of paternity. On the other hand, man is sometimes less
willing and in this case might become an hostage of the desire of the
beloved one. To exercise a free decision is essential. Marriage is not
the object of a blackmail. It is the co-decision of two wills freely
Taking notice of
existing forces, including desire of maternity, can allow to step
back and think. Then, decisions can be freely taken. We do not marry
to have children, but we marry opened to this type of fecundity. In
all cases, it appears necessary to think over the future and the
engagement and responsibility of parenting.
Not only will he
need both parents, but also the solidity of the couple (the worst
reason to have a child in trying to avoid a divorce).
To be parents or to be a
danger is the influence on the couple of the arrival of a child. By
necessity and by nature, the mother is focused on the newborn.
The father is more
distant (in his flesh, due to a different psychological motivation),
even if he feels weakened by the arrival of a fruit of his love. The
change from spouse to mother can be a non return step if both are not
attentive to the stakes :
mother often reproduces with her child gestures received in her own
childhood. Child and her are in a merging situation. Both will
discover the other in this new role of mother and father. His
identity of parent has been constructed by its past and through
models found :
Both discover a new
face of the other and this internal work will affect their
couple suffers necessarily more for the first child of the arrival of
a third person. The child is the place of care but also of distance.
He escapes to the desire of
of the couple because he is one, unique, irreducible.
Sexuality pre and
post-birth is affected by the child. The mother suffers pain and is
less receptive. There is there a danger which can be misunderstood, a
place where the couple does not have necessarily in place a positive
and respectful dialogue on desires and expectations of both.
But this initial
time is a beginning. The family will be marked during its whole
history by alternation between conjugality and parenting.
They will have to
find time for these two essential aspects. The child will not find
its own equilibrium of an adult as long as it will not discover a
true conjugality. On the contrary, the child, children stimulate the
couple's life in forcing them to mature, evolve... : if children can
be a cause of parents conflicts, they can also serve forgiveness and
Fertility and Sterility
% of women have a child when they wish to. 13 % of couples are
sterile. These figures express by themselves places of suffering,
tension and incomprehension. This pain is a source of conflicts for
the couple. It has to be talked over, to understand the importance of
damages it generates namely inside the one that is struck inside his
own body by this pain and responsibility. If some solutions are open
to couples and draw a path for hope (medical assistance, adoption,
taking account of another kind of fertility...) they remain sources
of conflicts and need more dialogue and help...