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PATERNITY AND CONJUGALITY...

 Desire of having a child

For most couples, the question arises.. A child is nice in itself. He is a complex desire. A child in itself is a marvel, a person in its own that escapes our will but fulfill our desire. He is a gift and a challenge. He gives conscience of something beyond merger. He is a fruit and a gift which goes beyond the duo and opens to the unknown of the other.

For a woman, the desire of giving birth is inside her nature. Freud even said that a woman has in her sexual identity the will to give birth to a male child. This inward tension is unconscious but real and will reveals itself with vigour when this desire will not be fulfill.

 

Paternity for a man, like a woman is inherent to its nature, an interrogation on its posterity (co-creating to leave a trace, something beyond death). A child desire is however biologically different from woman and man, the last being more oriented toward posterity.

 

 Paternity and marriage

We often note that couples wishes to marry when the desire of a child becomes deep. Based on the initial say, woman is in this context the best engine of paternity. On the other hand, man is sometimes less willing and in this case might become an hostage of the desire of the beloved one. To exercise a free decision is essential. Marriage is not the object of a blackmail. It is the co-decision of two wills freely consenting.

Taking notice of existing forces, including desire of maternity, can allow to step back and think. Then, decisions can be freely taken. We do not marry to have children, but we marry opened to this type of fecundity. In all cases, it appears necessary to think over the future and the engagement and responsibility of parenting.

Not only will he need both parents, but also the solidity of the couple (the worst reason to have a child in trying to avoid a divorce).

 

To be parents or to be a couple

Another danger is the influence on the couple of the arrival of a child. By necessity and by nature, the mother is focused on the newborn.

 

The father is more distant (in his flesh, due to a different psychological motivation), even if he feels weakened by the arrival of a fruit of his love. The change from spouse to mother can be a non return step if both are not attentive to the stakes :

rond Maternity

The new mother often reproduces with her child gestures received in her own childhood. Child and her are in a merging situation. Both will discover the other in this new role of mother and father. His identity of parent has been constructed by its past and through models found :

Both discover a new face of the other and this internal work will affect their relations.

rond Conjugality

the couple suffers necessarily more for the first child of the arrival of a third person. The child is the place of care but also of distance. He escapes to the desire of merger proper of the couple because he is one, unique, irreducible.

Sexuality pre and post-birth is affected by the child. The mother suffers pain and is less receptive. There is there a danger which can be misunderstood, a place where the couple does not have necessarily in place a positive and respectful dialogue on desires and expectations of both.

But this initial time is a beginning. The family will be marked during its whole history by alternation between conjugality and parenting.

They will have to find time for these two essential aspects. The child will not find its own equilibrium of an adult as long as it will not discover a true conjugality. On the contrary, the child, children stimulate the couple's life in forcing them to mature, evolve... : if children can be a cause of parents conflicts, they can also serve forgiveness and reconciliation.

 

 

 Fertility and Sterility

Only 25 % of women have a child when they wish to. 13 % of couples are sterile. These figures express by themselves places of suffering, tension and incomprehension. This pain is a source of conflicts for the couple. It has to be talked over, to understand the importance of damages it generates namely inside the one that is struck inside his own body by this pain and responsibility. If some solutions are open to couples and draw a path for hope (medical assistance, adoption, taking account of another kind of fertility...) they remain sources of conflicts and need more dialogue and help...

 

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