Merger and distance

retour index

Attention, change of URL :



French version
Merger and distance
Professional life
True Love
Religious wedding
Who are we
Plan of the site


We find ourselves toss between the desire to merge with the other and the wish to have a distance, a secret garden where our freedom can express itself freely. The origin of these hesitations often comes from our personal history. Francoise Sand (couples counsellor) writes in her book of a "back-pack" (everything we carry from our past, that is influencing our behaviour, without us being aware of it...).

 Our history conditions us

Psychologist says, not without reasons that we keep the remembrance, sometimes truly, of the unconscious well-being of believing ourselves one and unbreakable with our mothers belly. As a child we have experienced through successive phases the distance that was separating ourselves from our mother.

These steps have characterised our sentimental construction and our access to independence and maturity. But we cannot deny our history. Familial life has marked our inward being and our capacity to accept the breach of our initial merger . Our dad came to destroy our dream but in the same time structure our sentimental maturity. When childhood has been hit by external threats (death of the mother, parting, violence, sickness) injuries have appeared. These pains are difficult to heal. They can condition our ability to engage with someone, to have confidence in another (and also in ourselves...)


 Merger, a myth

Without being always conscious, desire of union can be the logical following of our sentimental history. When family's nest does not become sufficient to fulfill our desire, we look after another unity, an ideal complementarity (androgynous myth). Two halves of oranges, assembling to form an orange ? Is there not a myth of lost unity reminded ? In our first encounters, other's splendour masks the difficulties and differences. Desire of merger, full completeness, avoids seeing what is separating us (passions, pleasures but also origins, social class, culture, education, religion,...). However we find out that the other will never fulfill our desire of merger (See X. Lacroix books : Les mirages de l'amour). Even union of our bodies makes us realize that over the beauty of our encounter desire remains which in a way is positive for it is life, it leads us beyond than merger to another realization...)

The other is a dream. Seduction and desire leads us in its arms... But this idealistic merger appears like a lure. The other is irreducible, unique and non fusional. We cannot find again the original unity lost...

Then comes time for disillusion. Two solutions are possible at this stage :

rond Another dream

Run to another, another dream, and another disillusion...


rond Remain and find happiness...

Further than the lost paradise, remains a path where a presence sometimes merging, sometimes full of freedom exists.

This path is allowed to exist and advance. Patience leads to confidence, sharing and even something more.... But to do this you will need to straighten yourselves, without disillusion and with willingness...

Desire alone is slavery.

Desire and will becomes force, survival and hope.


 Distance and temptation

Setting distance after a phase of merger is often the logical result. But setting distance is ambivalent. Distance is a source of personal construction. It can also be a flight from reality. It is frequent among couples that after a merger, disappointed of not having found the "lost paradise", they part into a no man's land, a "parking place".

To be then attracted by someone else, another love affair is a logical following of this flight. But this other merger is not a solution... (Don Juan ends in suicide...) To be mature, is to assume its insufficiency and find in the patience and time and other way to be human. To be human, is accepting our dependency, its limits, its responsibilities and live for the other's happiness.

The presence, the fidelity and temperance are qualities of mature human .

(See Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethic). Then comes the time for tenderness and a larger union. Larger because respecting the other like a different individual...



 Willing to make alliance

Harmony between merger and distance can find its regulation in the making of an engagement, the common will to share a life, to find a common place where allowed interdependence and common desire to find the other's happiness comes before all.



Pprécédente home3 psuivante

Copyright : BDC 1999-2007 ...