someone is to accept becoming dependant. This dependency is
not a submission nor a loss of its autonomy or its
means going further and deciding that happiness depends on
the other's happiness. Its willing together to become happy
: a marvellous project but which will some time ask for
altruism and which could even seem impossible for the time
being. I am not able to make him/her happy.
know what to do : discouragement, weariness. A couple that
lets themselves be invaded by doubt and depressive move will
have problems to get back on the path to reconciliation and
Education of children.
It is a
place of perpetual discussion, each willing to transpose their
parental model or anti-model depending on their personal story. There
again conflict will be an opportunity to set up an equilibrium on
subjects deeply burdened by conscious or unconscious
Presence or 'absence of other add a
possible pain to this and must be taken into account...
After the departure of children :
the teen crisis, this step is to be prepared. They are going to leave
out of the nest. The happiness of children ? Their affair ? The part
of responsibility of parents and their lack of power on the success
of children ?
This step provokes
again reasons to divorce because when parent
life has hidden
couple's life the departure of children, their new distance will
leave a hole, a deep hole in both parents, even deeper when this
concides with an end to professional life.
Each couple must
reconstruct a new equilibrium in their relationship (there is also
the final equilibrium of aged people on which we will not comment...
but which also has its difficulties).
Managing differences (Follow up)
personalities are such that they make conjugal relations difficult.
For instance, sadomasochist couples can avoid fighting because its
part of the structural reasons why they have chosen each over even if
they manifest the desire to be different All the psycho-affective
weaknesses of both can become points of future problems.
Couples will repeat
the same type of conflicts thousands of times without being able to
get out of it as long as maturation and conscience will not allow
them to get out of it...and get the solution.
Because, it often
masks internal conflicts of each, conflicts coming from their past,
depending on their history, past trauma that make them so rigid .
During these time of tension we can inflict both deep and violent
scars which we will take time to heel and reduce possibilities of
will leave father and mother and become one says the Bible.
foundation needs the break, the loss of another relation sometimes to
close. But this rupture is difficult. Hard for the new couple which
cannot foresee to take enough distances without hurting parents. Hard
for the parents who must change their way of loving and protecting
towards a more confident and respectful love. Something is however
certain : the break is essential and the new couple must find a
proper place, independent of all pressure.
We can love in
can like without suffocating
can forgive and love more...
Believe in a bigger love :
is reconciliation ?
Each one is at the
top of a tower made of desire, knowledge and pride.
When we speak from
the top of the tower, it is to throw arrows, pre-digested ideas on
the other, non-dialogue.
True dialogue and
even better forgiveness needs to go down from the tower, go up inside
the other's tower (to visit other needs and thoughts in an attentive
and respectful way) and go back at the bottom of its own tower and
humbly decide to re-contract alliance.
Forgiving, a weak
To forgive is to
give a perfect gift . It requires coming down from our ivory tower,
to stop considering the other as the source of our sorrows, and agree
for its share of responsibility, accept for a time to realize what
the other thinks, desires and undergoes and find humbly a greater way
To reconcile ? It
means tightening again links that have become loose or even broken
but it also means creating new ones.. By forgetting those that are
illusions and inadequate it uses an internal solidarity inside the
couple and reveal the forces of life and love. We can say, in some
ways, that every true reconciliation is a kind of resurrection after
going through a deadly zone. We can find false ways of reconciliation
that are range from refusal to see the cause of conflicts to ways of
forgetting fights to find harmony without treating the problem (i.e.
finding its own responsibility to the crisis or refusing to see the
problem (due to a partial idealisation of the other). All this has in
common that people refuse to face reality being afraid of being hurt
or destroying a deeply invested relationship, : This movement of
fears, doubts, maintains a no man's land of untreated mine field,
rather than having faith in both ability to renew the alliance by
treating the root of the conflict. The respective role of each in
this adventure of forgiveness is not identical. One can be the
engine, bearing more hope and will than the other. However he will
not be able to advance without the collaboration of the other, their
desire to get involved in the project. Respect of each freedom makes
it so that sometimes no reconciliation is possible. Other causes can
make it unthinkable to forgive : when the relationship remains
destructive for each, when it becomes destructive for
Extreme cases, how
painful. Every reconciliation proceeds from confidence in this
project that is couple life. So take attention and be humble. It is
day over days that a constructive relationship can be set up in an
atmosphere of listening and dialogue, mutual reconciliation that
helps avoiding deadly conflicts.