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Merger and distance
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Other Conflicts...
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 Liberty or dependency

To love someone is to accept becoming dependant. This dependency is not a submission nor a loss of its autonomy or its individuality.

But it means going further and deciding that happiness depends on the other's happiness. Its willing together to become happy : a marvellous project but which will some time ask for altruism and which could even seem impossible for the time being. I am not able to make him/her happy.

I don't know what to do : discouragement, weariness. A couple that lets themselves be invaded by doubt and depressive move will have problems to get back on the path to reconciliation and peace



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 Education of children.

It is a place of perpetual discussion, each willing to transpose their parental model or anti-model depending on their personal story. There again conflict will be an opportunity to set up an equilibrium on subjects deeply burdened by conscious or unconscious past.

Presence or 'absence of other add a possible pain to this and must be taken into account...


 After the departure of children :

After the teen crisis, this step is to be prepared. They are going to leave out of the nest. The happiness of children ? Their affair ? The part of responsibility of parents and their lack of power on the success of children ?

This step provokes again reasons to divorce because when parent life has hidden couple's life the departure of children, their new distance will leave a hole, a deep hole in both parents, even deeper when this concides with an end to professional life.

Each couple must reconstruct a new equilibrium in their relationship (there is also the final equilibrium of aged people on which we will not comment... but which also has its difficulties).

 Managing differences (Follow up)

Both personalities are such that they make conjugal relations difficult. For instance, sadomasochist couples can avoid fighting because its part of the structural reasons why they have chosen each over even if they manifest the desire to be different All the psycho-affective weaknesses of both can become points of future problems.

Couples will repeat the same type of conflicts thousands of times without being able to get out of it as long as maturation and conscience will not allow them to get out of it...and get the solution.

Because, it often masks internal conflicts of each, conflicts coming from their past, depending on their history, past trauma that make them so rigid . During these time of tension we can inflict both deep and violent scars which we will take time to heel and reduce possibilities of reconciliation.


  Family, step family

They will leave father and mother and become one says the Bible.

A Couple's foundation needs the break, the loss of another relation sometimes to close. But this rupture is difficult. Hard for the new couple which cannot foresee to take enough distances without hurting parents. Hard for the parents who must change their way of loving and protecting towards a more confident and respectful love. Something is however certain : the break is essential and the new couple must find a proper place, independent of all pressure.

We can love in the distance,

We can like without suffocating

We can forgive and love more...


 Believe in a bigger love :

What is reconciliation ?

A good image :

Each one is at the top of a tower made of desire, knowledge and pride.

When we speak from the top of the tower, it is to throw arrows, pre-digested ideas on the other, non-dialogue.

True dialogue and even better forgiveness needs to go down from the tower, go up inside the other's tower (to visit other needs and thoughts in an attentive and respectful way) and go back at the bottom of its own tower and humbly decide to re-contract alliance.


Forgiving, a weak act ?

To forgive is to give a perfect gift . It requires coming down from our ivory tower, to stop considering the other as the source of our sorrows, and agree for its share of responsibility, accept for a time to realize what the other thinks, desires and undergoes and find humbly a greater way to love

To reconcile ? It means tightening again links that have become loose or even broken but it also means creating new ones.. By forgetting those that are illusions and inadequate it uses an internal solidarity inside the couple and reveal the forces of life and love. We can say, in some ways, that every true reconciliation is a kind of resurrection after going through a deadly zone. We can find false ways of reconciliation that are range from refusal to see the cause of conflicts to ways of forgetting fights to find harmony without treating the problem (i.e. finding its own responsibility to the crisis or refusing to see the problem (due to a partial idealisation of the other). All this has in common that people refuse to face reality being afraid of being hurt or destroying a deeply invested relationship, : This movement of fears, doubts, maintains a no man's land of untreated mine field, rather than having faith in both ability to renew the alliance by treating the root of the conflict. The respective role of each in this adventure of forgiveness is not identical. One can be the engine, bearing more hope and will than the other. However he will not be able to advance without the collaboration of the other, their desire to get involved in the project. Respect of each freedom makes it so that sometimes no reconciliation is possible. Other causes can make it unthinkable to forgive : when the relationship remains destructive for each, when it becomes destructive for children.

Extreme cases, how painful. Every reconciliation proceeds from confidence in this project that is couple life. So take attention and be humble. It is day over days that a constructive relationship can be set up in an atmosphere of listening and dialogue, mutual reconciliation that helps avoiding deadly conflicts.


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