retour index

Attention, change of URL :



French version
Merger and distance
Professional life
True Love
Religious wedding
Who are we
Plan of the site

couple's CRISIS

(Probably necessary to progress.)

  Before marriage...

We can signal :

a) Refusal to engage while the other wishes it

b) A possible lock up in the present,

c) A refusal to face the unknown, without wishing to face the future, go further the present situation

d) irritations because there is no mutual engagement,

e) not taking in account the other's identity, freedom of the other...


  Limits of dialogue, !

Everyone a live faces threats. Living as a couple can increase or diminish these threats.

Dialogue can reduce them. Our capacity to talk depends on our availability. - When, in the beginning, it is total, we talk on every subjects, it is the time for discovery (of emotional lift to nirvana...).

- later, risk comes from habits: Deep talks are rare.

- Then could come time for calm weather, with its share of boredom.

We know each other, then why should we talk ?

ATTENTION, daily life eats time spent together...Works eats our availability and leads us to look after time for silence or evading and mutual interest diminishes...

rond Few smiles :

1. lack of dialogue is common to all couples. A couple who talks well and easily only exists in books...

2.Do not use the other as a garbage can without notice...wait for the good opportunity (but do not wait too long, on the contrary) Find the right timing ....

3. Talk the same language. What one thinks and says does not always correspond to what the other expects and understands... (see on this subject J.Gray book : Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, though too caricatured seems interesting on this point).

4.Find places fit for dialogue (restaurant, walk, car on country roads ( Not recommended in traffic jam :-)

5. Know how to ask for forgiveness (which is not a sign of weakness but, on the contrary an internal force of willingness and confidence in the future and in the other..)

Integrate slowly but serenely the mutual defects and limits :

  • daily harmonization of a sexual life (easier),
  • harmonization between couple's life and work
  • other investments : professional, leisure, friends...

After all, what remains for our couple ?

 Deep Conflicts

Disappearance of times for dialogue leads naturally to seize up the wheels.

When there is no time to express our difference and our pain, we part from each other and go our separate ways leading slowly to 'indifference. We drive straight into the wall..

rond Trying to reconcile through sexuality is not a solution.

Kiss is not the way to make the other one stop talking either. Neither sex or kiss will help to repair the breaks (kids will not either, so please do not have child in crisis time, would lead to another unhappy...).

The fall of the time of seduction is also a difficult moment to share. The other appears in a more contrasted way. Its time to learn how to love better on a reciprocal way.

It is also time to love yourself better and love the other as he really is...


rond When everything seems lost, there is still hope :

1) What we say to the other, might be our fault. He is not tender enough ?

Do we give him the means ? She does not listen to me ? Do I speak of my love ?.

2) Dedramatize ! Crisis are common for all... It is not the reason why divorce will arrange things. (Even more, the neighbor's wife does not have all the qualities we think she has...).

3) Crisis are times for questions, helping to go further and discovering otherness. It compels to over look difficulties, to learn how to love...

4) Sometimes, a third party, a referee is needed. It helps setting up dialogue hidden under a bulk of dirty clothes... It can a good friend respecting both parties and listening. But most of the time good advice is not sufficient and a good couple counselor will be needed (professional, family referee, priest ...) while their distance and their know-how allows a good referee respectful to all parties. It is also less painful than the one practiced sometimes by lawyers in a divorce case...

Couple counselors can be found everywhere in most diary or on Internet... like in France the AFCCC (Association Française Centres Consultations Conjugales) : 01 45 66 50 00



  Transparency or conniving ?

Transparency is a lure. Truth is not always good to tell to the other. But on the contrary the other has this gift to guess not-said truth... (habit has its advantages). So we have to measure our talks, respect the other in its path and try to have a better conversation. There are internal tensions that are to be hidden, but on the contrary desequilibrium that should be evoked

Version Classique

Version Moderne

For the couple more than anywhere else, advantages acquired or reprisal grounded or harshly said are sources of future pain. For instance : When he washes dishes and does the cleaning, while she does cooking and ironing, there is equilibrium... But when she looks after the child and he stays with old tasks then appears disequilibrium. Tensions appears if nothing is said. And rupture is at the end of the path... In terms of desire, transparency is to be weighted.

rondTo say their desire for another, their fascinations, their wishes is expressing in a way a deficiency inside the couple. But if the other interprets them as treason, it shows how weak is the existing link, and that the couple is not stable. Between transparency and freedom, there is to find place for harmony, attention. This is why it is often necessary to measure what the other wishes to hear.

Remedy might be humor, humility and a kind of conniving, which does not rely on giving / receiving but on simple gift.


rond When we go too far, when we get to a point of non return, transparency is dangerous. It can do harm and provoke unrepairable breaks. There silence might be better and man has to heal his culpability by using someone else like a priest or an external referee rather than revealing its deeds. It does not forbid to show greater attention to the other and show regrets. It is also possible to ask what are the causes of its acts and try to repair what is not working anymore.

A counsellor might be useful...


 Other conflicts

Other problems might occur :

Parentality et conjugality

Education of children

Back together, when children leaves home

Managing differences

Freedom or dependancy



 Couples Counsellors

We can find them in the diary or internet,

Few french numbers :

ANCCEF 01 43 70 51 50

AFCCC 01 45 66 50 00

ANCCF 01 43 70 51 50

CERAF Médiations 01 44 85 31 93





 Conflicts Follow up... and reconciliation

Pprecedente home3 psuivante

Copyright : BDC 1999-2007 ...