c) A refusal to
face the unknown, without wishing to face the future, go further the
because there is no mutual engagement,
e) not taking in
account the other's identity, freedom of the other...
Limits of dialogue, !
Everyone a live faces threats. Living as a couple can
increase or diminish these threats.
can reduce them. Our capacity to talk depends on our
availability. - When, in the beginning, it is total, we talk
on every subjects, it is the time for discovery (of
emotional lift to nirvana...).
risk comes from habits: Deep talks are rare.
could come time for calm weather, with its share of boredom.
each other, then why should we talk ?
ATTENTION, daily life eats time spent together...Works eats
our availability and leads us to look after time for silence
or evading and mutual interest diminishes...
Few smiles :
1. lack of dialogue is common to all couples. A couple
who talks well and easily only exists in books...
2.Do not use the other as a garbage
can without notice...wait for the good opportunity (but do not
wait too long, on the contrary) Find the right timing ....
3. Talk the same language. What one thinks and says does not
always correspond to what the other expects and understands... (see
on this subject J.Gray book : Men are from Mars and women are from
Venus, though too caricatured seems interesting on this point).
4.Find places fit for dialogue
(restaurant, walk, car on country roads ( Not recommended in traffic
5. Know how to ask for
forgiveness (which is not a sign
of weakness but, on the contrary an internal force of willingness and
confidence in the future and in the other..)
Integrate slowly but serenely the mutual defects and limits :
daily harmonization of a sexual life (easier),
harmonization between couple's life and work
other investments : professional, leisure, friends...
After all, what remains for our couple ?
Disappearance of times for dialogue leads naturally
to seize up the wheels.
When there is no
time to express our difference and our pain, we part from each other
and go our separate ways leading slowly to 'indifference. We drive
straight into the wall..
Trying to reconcile through sexuality is not a
not the way to make the other one stop talking either. Neither sex or
kiss will help to repair the breaks (kids will not either, so please
do not have child in crisis time, please...you would lead to another
The fall of the
time of seduction is also a difficult moment to share. The other
appears in a more contrasted way. Its time to learn how to love
better on a reciprocal way.
It is also time to
love yourself better and love the other as he really
When everything seems lost, there is still hope
we say to the other, might be our fault. He is not tender enough
Do we give him the
means ? She does not listen to me ? Do I speak of my love ?.
2) Dedramatize !
Crisis are common for all... It is not the reason why divorce will
arrange things. (Even more, the neighbor's wife does not have all the
qualities we think she has...).
3) Crisis are times
for questions, helping to go further and discovering otherness. It
compels to over look difficulties, to learn how to
4) Sometimes, a
third party, a referee is needed. It helps setting up dialogue hidden
under a bulk of dirty clothes... It can a good friend respecting both
parties and listening. But most of the time good advice is not
sufficient and a good couple counselor will be needed (professional,
family referee, priest ...) while their distance and their know-how
allows a good referee respectful to all parties. It is also less
painful than the one practiced sometimes by lawyers in a divorce
can be found everywhere in most diary or on Internet... like in
France the AFCCC (Association Française Centres Consultations
Conjugales) : 01 45 66 50 00
Transparency or conniving ?
Transparency is a lure. Truth is not always good to
tell to the other. But on the contrary the other has this gift to
guess not-said truth... (habit has its advantages). So we have to
measure our talks, respect the other in its path and try to have a
better conversation. There are internal tensions that are to be
hidden, but on the contrary desequilibrium that should be
For the couple more
than anywhere else, advantages acquired or reprisal grounded or
harshly said are sources of future pain. For instance : When he
washes dishes and does the cleaning, while she does cooking and
ironing, there is equilibrium... But when she looks after the child
and he stays with old tasks then appears disequilibrium. Tensions
appears if nothing is said. And rupture is at the end of the path...
In terms of desire, transparency is to be weighted.
their desire for another, their fascinations, their wishes is
expressing in a way a deficiency inside the couple. But if the other
interprets them as treason, it shows how weak is the existing link,
and that the couple is not stable. Between transparency and freedom,
there is to find place for harmony, attention. This is why it is
often necessary to measure what the other wishes to hear.
Remedy might be
humor, humility and a kind of conniving, which does not rely on
giving / receiving but on simple gift.
When we go too far, when we get
to a point of non return, transparency is dangerous. It can do harm
and provoke unrepairable breaks. There silence might be better and
man has to heal his culpability by using someone else like a priest
or an external referee rather than revealing its deeds. It does not
forbid to show greater attention to the other and show regrets. It is
also possible to ask what are the causes of its acts and try to
repair what is not working anymore.